I must confess, I admire – read envy – those people who have no problem spreading word about their creative endeavors themselves. I really wish, like such people, I could rely on myself to be my own number one hype man. But, the sad reality is, I am the stark opposite of such people. With me, it’s like the popular TV game show, ultimate search, and my creative projects, the hidden items. If you find people talk about any of my creative hustles, chances are very high they found out on their own. The confidence owning your creative endeavors requires is one attribute I can’t boast of.
Let’s take my blog as an example. You’d be surprised to find that those really close to me have absolutely no clue I run a blog. The few who do have a clue are the ones who, by their nature, are really unlikely to visit. I didn’t say that to mean these people are unsupportive by nature. What I mean by that is that they are the caliber of people who aren’t really heavy on engaging the web space. The sort of people who see ‘Whatsapp-ing’ and ‘Facebook-ing’ as the height of internet use. But, I digress.
Back to me and my keeping of my blog a secret from people who deserve to know. I think it’s the fear of what they’ll think that cripples me. Knowing there is a possibility of them not thinking as highly of my project as I do scares me to hiding. When faced with an opportunity to promote my project, this fear seizes my mind. It has become a dance. What if they think less of it? What if it falls short of their standard? It’s always one “what if,” or the other. What if they don’t know enough to appreciate my effort? What if they do show appreciation, but are only being pretentious? The list is endless.
The other day, in church, someone had asked if I ran a blog after he found out I write. Good people of God, pulling my straightest face possible, I flat out denied the existence of this blog. Said person, from the kindness of his heart, proceeded to educate me on why I should own my personal blog. You all should have seen me nod like I was truly being enlightened as he spoke. I’m sure in this person’s mind, he was planting seeds on fertile grounds in my mind. A big shame, as he wasn’t really saying anything I didn’t know before. I did feel bad about it, but I just couldn’t muster the confidence to tell him about the blog. The “what ifs” had, at that point, flooded my mind in torrents, eliminating reason, and clouding my mind with fear.
Sometimes I sit back and imagine the positive impact opening up more about my blog would have had on it. Maybe, by now, I would have made twice the progress as I have with the blog all by myself. And, yes, the prospects are always so interesting. Enlisting and growing with the support of friends and family, alike. Riding to great heights on the back of their untainted intentions. But, as enticing as that sounds, what if it only results in a larger number of disappointed people? You see that right there? Another “what if?”… Hopefully, I find the courage to look this fear in the face and sucker-punch it someday. But, until that day… my blog continues to remain my best kept secret.